stealing-your-wife:

thecarlonethatalsowrites:

espeoradar:

samarajournal:

paulichu:

adriofthedead:

zzdigital:

What if someone got bitten by a vampire, but didn’t realize it. So then they go around and keep misidentifying all the symptoms, like

“Dude, you haven’t gone outside in a while.”
“Yeah, last time I went out I got this wicked sunburn.”

“Are you still up?”
“Yeah, I started bing watching this show on Netflix.”

“Dude, I’m seriously craving something right now.”
“Like what?”
“I dunno. Pizza rolls?”

“Why is it that you never come into my house unless I invite you?”
“Um, it’s called ‘being polite’…?”

“I tried cooking with garlic the other night and got this serious burn on my hand. I think I’m allergic, but all I’m getting on Google is vampire bullshit.”

“Dude can a mirror like… stop working or something?”

“Dude, why do you keep posting pictures of the floor?”
“…Those are meant to be selfies, I guess my camera must be broken.”

“Dude, I am all for you expressing your religious beliefs, but could you not wear your crucifix when I’m around? It really bugs me for some reason.”

“I went to church yesterday and the holy water was really hot!”

“Have you ever noticed how cute bats are? like really noticed? sweet lil balls of fluff with wings man.”